It has been a few years since I saw Harry*, a wealthy man of 50 years of age, who sought counseling for a variety of concerns including interpersonal relationships. Harry had recently become single and found himself struggling with the trauma of separation, self-care, loneliness, family estrangement, drinking too much, and suicidal thoughts. Harry had been a millionaire.

I do not recall the specific net worth of the man but he was wealthy. He “stumbled” across some commercial property in the eighties, bought it under the suggestion of his accountant and managed his business from it for a few years, all the time having regular tenancy of the other office space he controlled. Later, he told me, “my property, at head of the harbour bridge, became really valuable..” Don’t we all wish we had that opportunity to buy Sydney real estate!

Harry owned offices in the Sydney central business district, a home overlooking the harbour, a comfortable house and a couple of units up here on the Sunshine Coast. However, Harry now found himself losing his financial capital quickly and he was worried that soon, he may become financially ruined. To make matters worse, he had a growing awareness that his business abilities were waning into his fifth decade of life.

Harry’s relationship with his partner was over, and upon separation, Harry had agreed to sell some property, and make provision for his family. Now with a significantly reduced net worth, Harry was trying to recreate his life. Before he sought my help, he had also managed to give a woman “friend” $40,000 as a kindly loan, “done on a handshake” …he never saw it again.. nor the “friend”. He refused to go to seek help from the police fraud squad.

Harry is not alone. Vulnerable persons, confused between responsibility and love, searching for acceptance and worth, manage to find deceit and betrayal instead. Perhaps deceit finds them. Whichever comes first, low self-esteem in these vulnerable people, makes things accelerate quickly toward bankruptcy.

Harry’s weak money management, seen clearly after he took full control of accounting, was fuelled by a weak family relationship as a child and an unhappy social life in school. His parents were absent physically and emotionally as he grew up and never took an interest in the developing Harry as a person. He was never told he was wonderful, unique, capable..no one believed in him. His parents never assisted him in setting realistic goals or limits nor demonstrated fun in developing a bank account. He had no financial role modeling nor personal value system.

Those persons who lack a clear value system (things that you believe are practical, achievable, worthwhile, moralistically congruent and integral to your world view), find it difficult to value themselves. This is often the case because those things that we buy, establish quick tangible “proof” that we have some sort of value…any kind of value. It does not follow that the purchase of goods is a sign of a weak value system, but when done so at the cost of financial strife, it often does point that way.

If you find yourself spending money to self-validate, the first step to change is to become acutely aware of the real cost of your purchases by paying cash. It establishes reality which is essential for changing any behaviour.

I guess what probably seems to be more clear is that free spending or even stringent over-control may indicate some inadequacy in self-concept. I hate to sound trite, but balance is the key…neither spend freely nor save miserly. Afterall, what is your more probable response to a starvation diet when the starvation controls are released…most of us will eat to excess. What do you do when you get dehydrated? Many of us will drink too fast. What will you do if you starve your “financial spending” ? Many of us will spend to excess when the controls come off.

When I finished counseling with Harry, he made a decision to return to his hometown. He finally got the physical and emotional support of his family, sold his remaining assets, and re-invested these into a retirement plan. His money woes, and lack of value were now being processed by his searching for both true personal meaning in his life activities and searching for the essential qualities that constitute “Harry” as a unique human being.

Money provides tremendous opportunities, and we require it to transact services or goods. We’d all like more...though managing money would be a good first priority. Later, I reflected on Harry’s life: “If ‘having money’ was the answer”, I thought, “Why would a millionaire seek help ?”.

* not his real name